It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
