I'm going to jail i love you
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
