I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize