i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize