this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
