If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
