i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
