wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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