Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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