every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
