there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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