its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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