party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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