i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize