his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
