I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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