Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
