i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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