Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
