I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
