my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
