so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
