Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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