all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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