Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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