return my video game
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
