I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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