So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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