If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
