Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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