Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
