Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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