fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
