my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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