Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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