rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
