bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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