I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
