best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
