My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
