Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
