Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
...so i touched it.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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