He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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