Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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