So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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