The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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