I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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