Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
