You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
