Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
