She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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