Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
