A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The struggles of a small town man whore
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
