Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
