I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
