have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
