So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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