i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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