so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
