It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
